so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
