is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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