I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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