Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
