at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
