My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
