we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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