Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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