Im at strip club and am horny
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
