My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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