Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
