Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
