Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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