That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
