I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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