I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
