I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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