Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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