if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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