I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
