she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
