Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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