Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I need a burrito and a hug.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Someone signed my nipple.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
