If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
