It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
