sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
