I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
