i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
