my being single is dangerous.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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