based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
