I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
