its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
