Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
