Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
