Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
