i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
