You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
