Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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