Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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