Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
