Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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