apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
