So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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