Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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