Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
