The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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