my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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