I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
