i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
smell my finger.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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