I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
