I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
