Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
