I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
